Blue Christmas

I have had this song stuck in my head for a week. Why?
I don't know...I can't even remember the last time I actually heard "Blue Christmas"!

Then the craziness of my life happened, and I actually had a very blue Christmas indeed.

I'll begin on Saturday, December 21. I had my first class of my winter english class and I was not terribly thrilled about being in class on Saturday morning, and I was even less thrilled about being there from 9-3. Just knowing it wouldn't be much longer until I was on a plane to go see my family for Christmas was enough to drive me crazy! Then something crazy happened...I discovered how incredible my professor is! She kind of looks like Meg Ryan a little bit - from her You've Got Mail days, and she is SO passionate about literature. I knew within about 20 minutes that this class was going to be one of the best classes I will ever take. She is incredible.

I cried during the first half of her lecture because it was so powerful and moving! Yeah, she's that awesome. Except I didn't realize until half a week later how much her words would impact my life. She told us a story about how her sister has lupus, which is a horrible auto-immune disease that can sometimes be very brutal. Her sister was apparently one of the unfortunate people whose lupus was often life-threatening and they thought they were going to lose her when she was 18 (her sister is now 40) and she told us how she called a friend to help her process it and her friend's immediate reaction was "Praise God!"
My professor said she was like, "uhh, come again?"
And the girl goes on to say that she should be thanking God because her sister gets to go be an angel in heaven! I know she meant well, and so did my professor, but she was appalled. She told her right back that she didn't want her sister to be an angel! She wanted her to be here!
Then she told us her version of a book she was reading at the time from Dostoevsky where he talks about a priest who is talking to a woman who just lost her child (note: if you have read this and it isn't exactly how it happens in the book, my professor said she was telling it her way), and the woman is distraught because everyone keeps consoling her by saying it was great that her baby was an angel in heaven! She just wanted her baby back, not for him to be an angel. So the priest basically tells her to grieve, be sad, and salt the earth with her tears, but then rise and know that her baby was an angel in heaven.
That was her version, and it was so powerful in class. I have to read it as an assignment, so I'm looking forward to that :)

Fortunately, we got out of class around 2, so I had another hour to pack and wash a load or two of laundry before we flew out to see my parents. We normally drive, but the roads are insane and usually jam-packed with others going the same way, so it turns a 3.5hr drive into a 5-6 hr drive! Since we were getting in late anyway, flying seemed like the best option. Thanks, hubs!

I can't remember too much happening on the 22nd or 23rd except Randy & I ran around shopping on the 23rd and I filled my prescription for glasses! It's really strange...
I've had almost 20/20 vision my whole life, but the pressure in my brain caused some visual damage, so even though we knew the prescription would probably change in a month or two, we decided to go ahead and get them to see if they would help the problems I was experiencing in my vision at that moment. After all, it's really the frames that cost the most, and we went to a place that can put new lenses in whenever my prescription changes. As a bonus, they were having a 2 for 1 sale, so I actually got 2 pairs of glasses!

On Christmas Eve, I found out my mom was 100% cured of cancer - PRAISE THE LORD! We also got to face time with my Mema in Phoenix and it was incredibly special. I didn't get to talk to her long, but she began with the same "well, hi!" she has greeted me with my entire life. I'll never forget it.
Then, we went to church for the Christmas Eve service and came back to my parents' house for a prime rib dinner - one of my favorite traditions! We also had presents, laughter, and a really great time.

By the time "bed time" came, you didn't have to tell me twice! I was beyond exhausted.

The next morning began like any morning.
We had all agreed to sleep in and have brunch around 10. Randy & I woke up around 8:30 to the sound of cooking (hey! what happened to 10am?!) and finally got up to go brush my teeth. On my way out of the bathroom, my mom asked me to get Randy up and come into the living room and I knew something was wrong. I also knew immediately who that something was wrong with. I didn't know the next words out of my mom's mouth would change my entire world. Just before 4am on Christmas Morning, my incredible, spunky, kind, loving, nurturing grandmother had passed away in Phoenix. I crumbled. I couldn't even process it. The more I tried to figure out the words I had just heard, the harder the sobs came uncontrollably pouring from deep within me. For the rest of the day (and the next day) I alternated from breaking down in tears, to feeling numb and like my eyes couldn't cry another tear if I begged them to. I am completely broken-hearted and I miss her so much it hurts.

Then my professor's lecture took on a new life. I needed what she had said in class on that day. I am overjoyed that I know where my Mema is, and I am so glad she doesn't have to be in pain or stuck in the rehab center she has had to be in for the last 2.5 years since her legs stopped working. I am so grateful that the Lord has her in His arms instead of keeping her there in that condition...
but I miss her, and I want to be able to call her and hear her laugh and say "well, hi!" or hear her say she loves me. I would kill for another hug, or to hold her hand one more time. Just to see her smile one more time.

I have very few memories from childhood until the age of 13, when I moved away from Kentucky, that don't include her. Even then, I have so many memories since then with her, too. She taught me how to cook, how to sew, how to wrap presents, how to wash dishes, how to be friends with everyone - especially strangers, how to braid my hair, and how to show kindness. I'm sure she taught me way more - that's just from the top of my head. We used to walk through the orchard and pick peaches (or whatever fruit we could find!), or go eat Chinese food just for fun. I used to run away to her house when I was little (she lived basically next door to us) and she would let me pretend I was far away until my parents would call looking for me. She let me wear her robes and night gowns and pretend I was a princess as they trailed behind me like ball gowns. She was as strong as she was kind, and it always cracked me up that she was a deputy jailer at the county jail in Kentucky. Almost my whole family was involved somewhere in the justice system back home, so it wasn't abnormal for me to hang out with the other jailers in the jail while the rest of my family worked. They called me "Little Sherri" because I looked so much like my mom, and I'm sure they still would if I saw them again. Spending the night at the jail was just about my favorite thing as a kid. I'd go up to the jail in the middle of her shift and we would come home and have a sleepover when she got off at midnight. It's definitely weird, but I loved every minute.
I could talk to her about anything and everything, which is why she is the first person I told about Randy when we started dating. She loved him from day 1, and he loved her, too. I told her I was going to marry him and she said, "alright! I'm sure I'll love him!" Before him, she was my best friend in the world.
You could rarely catch her without a smile on her face, and if you did she would smile the second she made eye contact. She cared for everyone and genuinely loved everyone. I want to be just like her when I grow up.

Christmas Day I also heard another story that brought tears to my eyes. About 8 years ago, I had this charm bracelet and my mom had gotten me some charms for Christmas or my birthday and took the bracelet to go get the charms soldered on. We both remembered her showing me the bracelet once she had picked it up, but I knew I had left it in her car (I think we were running errands at the time?) and she could have sworn she gave it back to me. So we both thought the other one lost it, but it turns out Steve (my stepdad) had gone in and cleaned my mom's car out and put everything in this old bag my mom had and it got put in the closet under the stairs and apparently never touched until 8 years later. Back to 2013...
So I was walking past Steve that afternoon and he asked, "so did your mom give you your bracelet?" Uhh, NO! Haha!
I went to the office, where my mom had begun funeral prep work, and I asked her about the bracelet and she told me what happened and that she had ordered me another charm to go on it. It was being shipped to our house because she ordered it late on Christmas Eve. Then she showed me a picture of the charm and it was an angel, and of course we both started crying and hugging one another. I told her it was perfect, and it was.

Then, Saturday (12/28) was difficult for us. After a lot of discussion, Randy & I decided to miss the Christmas celebration with his family at his oldest brother's house a little less than an hour away from us. Fortunately, all of his immediate family lives within an hour of us, so we see them often, but Christmas is Christmas. It sounds horrible, but I didn't think I could handle another Christmas...and I didn't think I could handle more family time right now. I have no clue how I'm going to hold it together at least a little for Mema's visitation/funeral, so I'm trying to put a lot of energy into bracing myself for that. Just thinking about the funeral sends me running for tissues.
I did have one neat experience that day, though. I wanted to get my angel charm put on in time for Mema's funeral and knew I wouldn't have time Monday or Tuesday because I work all day, and this place typically forces you to pick up your soldered items the next day. Well, they don't force you to do it the next day, but they don't do "same day service". With Christmas I knew they'd be backed up, so I was worried it wouldn't get done in time. So I called one that's not too far from our house and asked if I could get it done that day. As expected, she said they were backed up and the earliest I could get it would be tomorrow (Sunday). So kind of in disappointment I said, "oh, I'm just trying to get this charm soldered on for a funeral." She goes, "Seriously??" I told her yes and she asked me for my name, so I gave it to her. She said, "I want to do this for you today. Please come in and ask for Carrie. I'll get it done." I was shocked. I wasn't trying to persuade her or anything, I was just talking to myself, more or less.
So I ran in to try to get my charm on so I could wear it to Mema's funeral and I told her the story of my bracelet and the angel charm, and I told her about my angel that made it mean so much more. I felt like I owed her an explanation, though, as to why this charm was so important to me.
With tears in both of our eyes, she said, "stay here, we're going to do it right now." and I was able to go back home within minutes. Before leaving, she wished our family safe travels to Kentucky and told me I touched her heart. Really, it was Mema who touched her heart. She always had a wonderful knack for that!
Thank you again, Carrie! I appreciate it more than I could ever say!

That's where things are in our world. We are hurting and missing Mema, but we are grateful for the knowledge that she is in a place with no pain or suffering with many other lost loved ones like my Granddaddy, whom she loved dearly.