Holding Onto Hope

Have you ever felt like you keep hearing something, and finally you're convinced it was meant for you?
That's my life right now. I am desperate for hope. Unfortunately, I have found mine running out lately, but The Lord knew it was exactly what I needed.

I have literally heard something about having hope, or keeping hope, or The Lord being our hope, etc., almost every day for at least the last week and a half. It has been such a blessing because there have been so many times in the last month I have felt so helpless, and definitely hopeless.

The pressure in my head is not really getting better and my doctor doesn't seem to care. For some reason, the first time he prescribed my medication it helped for a month before it started to not work anymore. Then, he doubled the dose after I had to make an emergency trip to see him and it lasted from Tuesday to the next Wednesday - last Wednesday, actually. I was at work when around noon it felt like something popped in my right eye. It kept getting worse, but I worked through it. By the time I got home around 7pm due to unusually heavy traffic, I was bawling my eyes out and could barely move without screaming in pain. Randy just held me as I cried and waited for the hydrocodone to kick in and numb the pain. My neurologist (and Randy) said I should have gone to the ER, but I'm so hesitant about going there. I hate being that person.
Anyway, I called my neuro-ophthalmologist's office the next day and told them what was going on and that I was still in a lot of pain and my eyes were killing me. Then, I called my neurologist and told them what was going on and told them I wanted to go to a new neuro-ophthalmologist. I just can't fathom a doctor that continues a patient in so much pain on the same medication that stops working! The neurologist called back and said they wanted me to stay with my current neuro-ophthalmologist (not going to happen) and my N.O. called back to double my already doubled dose of my medication! So I was now supposed to take 2 pills twice a day instead of 1 pill twice a day, which was double from what it was a month earlier.

My biggest problem with this doctor is that he sees way too many patients. Not even exaggerating, this man sees at least 100 patients every day (his nurses even told me that! but spend an hour in the waiting room and you'd know it!) To him I am just another number. I have seen him at least 8 times now and I have never spent more than 2 minutes in a room with him, ever. On multiple occasions he hasn't known why I was there to begin with. A few weeks ago, he was going to help me possibly get glasses because I was still dealing with partial blurriness and we were thinking it was going to be permanent, but the vision test showed I was still seeing pretty well. I did mention over the phone that my eyes were blurrier than they have been, but I think it's obvious that that is caused by added pressure. So for some reason he had me do another vision test today and it came back that I was having problems and HE PRESCRIBED ME GLASSES. Now, I don't mind getting glasses if I need them, but I just cannot understand the logic in prescribing glasses for someone who didn't need them 2 weeks ago and may or may not need them in another 2 weeks! I can't afford a $300 mistake like that! And when he came into the room he asked "so is your vision doing a little better?" and I told him then and there I was still in a lot of pain. As I was sitting in front of him it felt like my optic nerves were covered in barbed wires. And he was like, "hmm, okay, well let's just keep you on the medication and I'll see you in 3 weeks."
I'm sorry, WHAT???
Then it hit me. He didn't know why I was there. He thought I was having problems with my sight. I was, but that is definitely in the back seat compared to the severe pain in my head and behind my eyes. It doesn't compare to the fact that I basically have no life right now because I am constantly on pain killers, or when I'm not I'm in a ton of pain and have trouble thinking and speaking clearly.

So I'm currently hunting for a new neuro-ophthalmologist. There are probably 7 or so in the entire 100mi radius of here, so that's fun. I think I found one that seems like a HUGE winner and people seem to love him and say he is incredibly thorough and explains everything, which I definitely need considering my current doctor tells me nothing. I still don't even know what his official diagnosis of my condition is. From the few things I've heard him say and the few scraps he's told me I think it's idiopathic intracranial hypertension...bleh.
Anyway, so this new doctor kind of reminds me of Dr. House (except hopefully a lot nicer!) because he is kind of the best of the best and only takes certain cases, so I'm having to send him all of my medical records as well as my referral and then he is going to choose whether he wants to take my case or not. I'm seriously praying he does. Not only do I not like my current doctor, but he is out of network for my primary insurance. Right now I have 2 insurances and the second one picks up what the first one doesn't pay, but the second insurance is going away after the start of the new year, so I won't be able to afford the doctor I don't like either. AND the new doctor does take my insurance :D score!


So here's to hope. Every time I'm convinced I don't have any more, The Lord reminds me that I do. As I was thinking about hope tonight a song I know from two dear friends of mine came to mind. It's called "Holding Onto Hope" and it's by the amazing duo Jenny & Tyler. This song is from their 3rd full length album called "Faint Not", and I couldn't recommend their music more.

I've heard this song a ton, but tonight it just popped into my mind and held such a deep, more intense than usual meaning for me. Tears immediately began to fill my eyes (but let's be honest - that's not exactly a rare occurrence these days! I'm about 30 seconds from a nervous breakdown at all times!) I just knew it wasn't random that it popped into my mind!

Not only are J&T great people, but their music so pure, personal, and will most likely make a deep impact on your heart. They actually just released a cover album titled "For Freedom: A Covers EP"and all proceeds go to fight human trafficking with the International Justice Mission. They are just awesome people!
AND they just had the cutest baby in the world named Jane, so that's pretty precious as well!

Here's "Holding Onto Hope" if you'd like to listen. I highly recommend it!

In other news, CHRISTMAS is coming! AND I am FIVE months from graduating! AND I have almost all of next week off because Randy and I are going to see my parents for Christmas! This week last year we both had the flu, so we were in a horrible, miserable world. I'm definitely grateful I'm at least healthy when it comes to the flu! :)

Have a Merry Christmas, my dear friends and family. I pray you have hope and joy throughout the holidays to come and that you are able to greet the new year with eager anticipation! More than anything, I hope we all remember that Christmas is not about presents, ornaments, wearing the perfect outfit, baking the perfect pie, or worrying what anyone thinks of us. Christmas is about the precious Holy Savior who was born as a helpless baby to willingly die as a man on a cross so we could all have the chance to ask for Him to save and spare our lives.

*I do not own any of the images or videos in this post