May 10, 2016

I've wanted to write this for a while now, but I've never been able to find the words. This day seemed appropriate to try to figure them out.
A year ago today I miscarried our first child. Even a year later, those words still don't seem real. We had been trying for so long, only to have that life taken from us almost as quickly as we found out about it.
A lot of emotions encircle a loss like that. Anger, grief, pain, depression, etc.
I kept hearing in my mind and heart that the Lord had a plan, but how could I believe a plan for my good could possibly involve my baby dying? With all of my health problems, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. Was my health the reason it had taken so long to begin with? Was my health the reason we lost the baby? I have 4 serious illnesses linked to multiple miscarriages, so it seemed likely that it was my fault. It's incredible how our narrow minds want to assign blame to something we have no control over. I also had a lot of anger because it felt like one more thing my health had stolen from us. That was one of the worst times in our lives. We lost the baby a few days after Mother's Day, and Randy's birthday fell on Father's Day the following month. It's a pain that's impossible to understand if you haven't been there.
Little did we know, that miscarriage also led to discovering the last (hopefully) piece of the puzzle for my health. We found out my thyroid levels were too low. My mom had been insisting for years that I had something wrong with my thyroid, especially considering that she and her mother, my precious Mema, both did and it's often hereditary. I asked several doctors to test many times, and it always came back normal, despite the symptoms being there. For some reason it came back low after the miscarriage and I began medication for it.

We had finally gotten to a place where I was feeling good, but apparently one more thing was missing. It took us almost a year and a half to conceive that child, and only a few months later for this little one. Now the levels are normal, and we even had to up the dosage a little because my body was burning through the med with pregnancy hormones. I believe that's a large part of the reason I have been feeling so great this pregnancy. I'm finally on a good blend of medications to keep me afloat. I don't believe that is by accident or coincidence. I used to pray, even before we began trying to get pregnant, asking that He let pregnancy be the one thing my body would do "the easy way" because everything else had always been the hard, difficult, and often painful route. I fully believe He answered that prayer. I have finally been able to say the past 9 months that I feel amazing. I always joke that pregnancy is the only thing my body seems to do well. I am incredibly thankful for that gift.

It's hard to believe and hard to imagine that we would have a 5 month old child now, but we know this child currently within me is meant to be here. For whatever reason, that meant his or her older sibling couldn't be. I find extreme comfort in seeing the Grace poured out on us through this child, and the timing is not lost on me. I will be having this child exactly 20 days from the anniversary of losing the other. It doesn't lessen the sting of our loss, but it magnifies the thankfulness and love we feel for this child. This child that is supposed to be here, for whatever reason. The Lord has also blessed me with an extremely active baby. I feel him or her move almost nonstop, and have for the last 11 weeks. All day, every day. Any time I begin to worry that I haven't felt movement in a little while, it's no sooner than those words pass my lips that I feel a kick or roll. It's so comforting. Even the kicks have been wonderful. I hear/see people all the time talking about how their baby's kicking keeps them awake, but I feel the opposite. I'm almost lulled to sleep by them. Sometimes they can be a little uncomfortable, but I keep waiting/expecting them to be terrible like so many say they are. Such sweet blessings.

Lately I've been decorating the nursery more and more since we finished putting up walls and painting. The furniture is all set up, and Randy's mom and I made curtains and a quilt in the colors I wanted - yellow, gray, and teal. There are a few more things to do still, but I'm so thrilled with the way it is all coming together. A friend of mine, who also makes signs, made these for us to hang in the nursery.
I had asked her for a sun and two clouds because our nursery is "you are my sunshine" themed, but I let her run with it because she's incredibly talented and I love her style so much. I knew she would make something incredible, and she absolutely did. She finished and sent me a picture of them shortly after to make sure I liked them. I thought they were beautiful - exactly what I wanted, with her flare added in. She went on to say that the little teal heart was for the baby we lost, so he or she would always have a place in the nursery they never got to be in. I bawled like a baby when she told me, and even now I tear up thinking about it. She is such a beautiful and thoughtful person. She knew about the first baby because I had originally asked her to make something for the nursery the first time we found out I was pregnant. She doesn't do many custom pieces ever, so I wanted to see if I could get onto her imaginary list well ahead of the time we would need them by. She also made Randy's birthday present last year (the one on father's day) and included a heart into that one as well, but it's more "hidden".
These will be hanging on the wall across from our glider, so I'll be able to look at them while holding our precious little sunshine. Big brother or sister will always be shining down.

I had to add in a photo after I put the quilt onto the crib! 💛

So here we are. 20 days from meeting our beautiful baby, and we couldn't be happier. I'm so looking forward to seeing who he or she will be and to kissing those sweet little cheeks. I'm so thankful to be celebrating Mother's Day this year feeling rolls, hiccups, and kicks from within me, and that Randy will be able to celebrate with our child in his arms. These are precious days. To top things off, I got to see our little one again this morning. It's so incredible to watch his or her heart beating away, and their little lungs practicing breathing on a day that brought such deep heartbreak only a year earlier. God is so good. He is faithful. 

I wanted to write this because so many women miscarry every day, but it's a burden we often suffer in silence. The statistics are so high for miscarriages, and yet you don't hear about them often. It's something so common that somehow makes you feel like the only person in the world who has been there. You aren't alone.