A Promise

I know it has been a really long time since my last post.
I always seem to do that! Sorry about that, guys!

I've actually been working on one for the last 2 weeks or so, but more things just keep on happening. Not just any normal things...no! That would be too easy. I've had so many outrageously crazy things happen since Valentine's Day. I just haven't been able to keep up. As it is, I've already had to split the one I was working on into a 2-part blog because it was going to be incredibly long.


So I'll give you the short version now because I actually decided to write a different blog first about something much more important, but I have to kind of explain what has been going on for it to make sense. Just hang on a minute...we'll get there eventually!


-Right after Valentine's Day, I was t-boned one night driving home from yoga, but I actually ended up coming out of it just fine for the most part! My car wasn't even very damaged because I went at a slight angle at the last minute, so he didn't hit me full on at a T. It was incredible! Long story short, he didn't have insurance...it wasn't a big enough deal for us to file with our insurance.
-Next, within a few days the pressure on my brain started to skyrocket and I began losing my sight and my mental functions began to slow again, so my doctor decided to do another lumbar puncture (spinal tap) to drain the excess fluid. He also wanted to see if the dosage of medication I was on (aka the highest dose) was helping at all. Long story short, nope. The pressure was incredibly high for the amount of medication I was on, so that was a really bad sign. In any case, they drained quite a bit of fluid so I would have some relief for about a month or two.
-I ended up having a complication from the procedure where the puncture in my back didn't seal properly and I had cerebrospinal fluid leaking into my back, which caused horrible migraines just about any time I moved. My options were to do another procedure or do 48 hours of solid, flat-on-your-back bed rest - I chose bed rest...duh.
-As a result, I had to quit my job because it was all too chaotic and I was having to be out nonstop for all the craziness. I knew if I was going to get all of my medical stuff handled AND finish school, there was no way I could continue working. Plus, it wasn't really fair to them for me to constantly be out. They were totally fine with it and told me about 12 times that if I wanted to come back once I was better their door was always open. That was super nice!
-So then the bed rest worked! It was AWESOME! I actually felt pretty clear for the first time in MONTHS. The only downside? Randy had to leave for South Korea once I was done with bed rest for a business trip :(
-That was kind of okay, though...I had spring break art class the whole next week to finish my upper level credit hours for graduation, so I wasn't going to have much time anyway.
-It was actually a really nice week except for the fact that Randy was gone. One of my friends came from back home to stay with me for a few days and I got to make several pieces of art, something I haven't been able to do in a very long time because I've been so sick/busy. It was just the therapy I needed! I felt so accomplished!
-Then, Randy came home and the class ended. Spring break was over and regular reality was back.
-I woke up Tuesday morning a few days later and as I was about to get out of bed and go to class, I quickly realized I was in an intense amount of pain in my stomach. It was so bad I couldn't curl out of a tight little ball. I called Randy and promptly informed him I was dying (a little dramatic, but the situation called for drama) and he wasn't too concerned until I realized I was about to throw up as well. So he decided to come home from work to be with me. Shortly after, I began vomiting and didn't stop for the rest of the day. I couldn't even keep sips of water down! Even when I didn't have anything in my stomach, just sitting up or standing immediately sent me grabbing my trash can. Not only that, but the pain was as bad as ever. I had never experienced that much pain in my stomach before....yep, I was definitely dying. By mid-late afternoon, I could barely walk from being so dehydrated and I was still in a horrible amount of pain, so Randy decided we needed to go to the ER. Sure enough, I had a kidney stone that was heading south...if ya know what I mean. Honestly, I was kind of relieved that it was a kidney stone because I had originally thought it was intestinal, and I kept thinking "how in the world am I going to endure labor someday if needing to use the bathroom is causing me THIS much pain?!" I felt better knowing it was just my body passing a pretty good sized kidney stone because I've heard that's much worse than labor. I once knew a woman who had a kidney stone the size of the one I just passed and she also had 2 children - she told me she would choose labor any day over passing another kidney stone. Not to downgrade labor by any means, but babies don't have spikes sticking out of them, thank goodness. So anyway, they gave me a ton of fluids, nausea and pain meds, and sent me on my merry way to pass my stone. It actually wasn't too bad once they got my body hydrated again and gave me my nausea medicine. It's pretty hard to pass a kidney stone without fluid. So that's over. Thank goodness. So now I'm 23 and I've had 2 kidney stones...sigh. The first one was about twice the size of this one...I'm so glad I had surgery to get rid of it before I passed it! BEST. DECISION. EVER!
-That was Tuesday, right? Wednesday I had Randy all to myself, even though I was pretty out of it from pain meds all day, but then Thursday morning he left the country again to go to China for 10 days. Sigh...
-So that brings us to this past Sunday, March 23. I went to see my friends play a concert downtown and on my way home that night I realized I couldn't see the road or the lanes. It was terrifying! I've never really dealt with night-blindness before, and I definitely didn't know what to do since I suddenly couldn't see.
->Side note: I also had the pleasure of meeting another artist named Vanita Joines and I'm officially obsessed with her music. It has done wonders for my heart in the last few days. Even as she was playing her set I found myself tearing up because her lyrics really spoke to me. On top of that, her voice is AMAZING.
You can listen to all of her music on her website here: http://www.vanitajoines.com/music.html
If you sign up for her mailing list you can also get some music for free, but I would encourage you to buy her EP titled "The Garden" at least.
I love all of them, but I especially loved the song called "The Sun Will Rise".
PLEASE go listen! You won't regret it!

-On Monday I had an appointment with Dr. P anyway, so I just decided to go in as planned and talk about my blindness with him then. He was pretty concerned and thought I might be having trouble with the rods and cones in my eyes that help with seeing in the dark because of the pressure. Since it was kind of sudden and it seemed like it was suddenly really bad as well he was also really nervous about the pressure going up so soon after the lumbar puncture. I also decided to discuss my hearing with him...I have been wondering about it for quite some time, but I honestly hadn't thought much of it until recently. I've been losing my hearing for the last couple of years, but I really thought it was because of listening to music too loud or something? It wasn't until I noticed that I had good days/weeks and really, really bad days/weeks just like with my sight that it caught my attention. Lately, I can't hear anyone speaking to me unless we're facing one another, and even then I have a really hard time, especially if there's another noise going on at the same time. When I noticed the other day that a woman in my class at the end of the week had to repeat something 5 times to me before I finally had to turn around and ask her what she was saying, I began wondering if the pressure on my brain could impact my hearing as well. According to Dr. P, yes. He then got pretty serious and started asking me about my breathing and we talked about how I naturally take very shallow breaths and get winded easily because I don't take deep breaths. I often have to remind myself to take deep breaths because I constantly run out of air.
Apparently, all those things together mean I'm in danger for having a condition where my brain stem is being pressed into the opening by excessive pressure where your spine goes and basically becomes herniated. It causes problems with involuntary functions such as sight, breathing, hearing, and causes significant nerve pain. So now I have to go have another CT on my head and brain to make sure my brain stem isn't herniating because, as you can imagine, that's not good. He thinks it might have been kind of bobbing up and down because of medicine and things, so it's not constantly being pressed down, but when it is, it's bad. Who knows?
Crazy.

I still have another month to go before I can get into my new neuro-ophthalmologist and Dr. P is NOT happy with that timeline. He really wants me to get in, like, tomorrow, haha.


So what's the point of this post? 

In the last few years - especially the last few weeks and days - I've had many people tell me that God must have something really special planned for my life, or He wouldn't be allowing so much craziness to happen to strengthen me. I have believed from the beginning that all of this is for a reason, though I certainly have no clue what that reason is. It is not always easy to hold on to that, though. It's really easy to beg God to choose someone else to strengthen. It's easy to feel like God is picking on you, or that He has forgotten you altogether. It's easy to want to quit. 

As I was thinking on all of this today and talking with Randy via text message (because he's still in China) he said something that really struck my heart. He said, "God throws His people into the fiery furnace not to burn them, but to purge the impurities and build faith. It is an honor to be chosen to suffer. In the fire we see Him. Just stand tall in His strength and ask Him to open the doors before you or give you the strength to overcome. Someday your faith will be something for our children can reach for in their time of need."
All of a sudden it was like a crazy movie-like flashback in my mind and all of the times someone has come to me and told me I was meant for something great flashed through my head. Then, I saw the face of one of my mom's friends and I remembered her praying with me one day at our church when I was still in high school, long before all of these problems. She said she just knew God had something huge and crazy for my life...big, big plans, I believe is how she put it.

Then I remembered another crazy moment in my life. The day I found out my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I went next door to see my friend whose mother had been battling with cancer for several years. She had just moved into the townhome next door  to me at school and she was the only person I could think to talk to. When I was there, she showed me her Bible she had used since her mom became sick. It was filled with highlighter and sticky notes full of verses that had helped her through the heartache. As she flipped through the page, I saw this one sticky note and for some reason I asked her to go back. I still have no clue why, even to this day. I just wanted to know what that particular verse said. It was John 11:4 - "...Jesus said, 'This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it.'"

During my mom's entire battle with cancer (which she won!!!), I knew that verse was meant for me. I knew that was my promise, and I KNEW she was going to make it. It was still a little scary, but I knew it.

Today, that verse came back to my heart several years later, and I'm thinking maybe it was a bigger promise than I had realized. Perhaps there was more to it than I originally knew?

I still don't know what He has planned for me, and I probably won't for quite a while still, but I still believe there is a purpose in it all. Ultimately, I believe it is for His glory, that He may be glorified through the situation and through me.

If nothing else, perhaps my story can help someone else going through a similar battle, or as Randy said, maybe all of this is so my children will rise up and call me blessed? (Proverbs 31:28).


As for everything else, I'm still trying to finish up school with all of this going on and I only have TWO weeks to finish up one of my classes from last semester. I had to take an incomplete because of everything going on. I should have had plenty of time to finish it, but I've barely even been able to be in my classes for this semester! I mean, in 3 months I've already been in the hospital 3 times! Craziness.
As of right now I'm still graduating in May, but I'm a little nervous. The feeling that I'm a failure keeps wanting to creep back up on me, but my incredible husband is doing a great job reminding me that God is in control. He told me today that "Not just this semester but the last two years. What you have accomplished is amazing. I'm proud of you."


So thankful that God gave me such an amazing husband to live life with, for better or worse.
In sickness or in health.
I'm thankful for His promises.