The Sun Will Rise

It seems my new thing is to post about once a month.

Perhaps I can fix that at some point. Hopefully soon.

Things have been a little nuts...as usual.

I ended up having to have surgery after my last post because it turned out that I didn't actually pass the kidney stone, but it lodged itself in the tube (ureter) between my bladder and kidney (TMI? Oops, sorry!). While all of that was going on, I had a ton of trouble with school and I thought I was going to have some trouble with some things, so I decided to quit school. Crazy, right? 5 classes from graduation and quitting. Less, really, since I've finished half of each one.

I kept imagining how badly I would hate myself later if I quit now.

I decided I couldn't do it. I couldn't give up. Not now.

So I didn't actually quit...not really. Whew!

I was giving up my hope, though. Giving up hope for the problems to stop; hope for a healthy future; hope for the sun to rise. I'm not sure I would have made it without Randy. I'm so thankful for him.

I've been having a really hard time with my sight and my mind lately. It seems like when one is working the other one refuses to function, so that is a little annoying. My sight hasn't been too terrible lately, but it's like the english language is falling out of my brain. So pardon the grammar and spelling in this post. I tried to watch for things, but it's hard these days. I have been forgetting how to spell everything lately. I mean everything. Yesterday I started to write "thay" for they. It's like my mind keeps wanting to spell everything phonetically (yes, I had to Google how to spell phonetically...and basically every other word larger than 4 letters these days). Google has been my best friend. I'm constantly looking up how to spell words I've known since I was 10 years old, or maybe even earlier. Weird.

I also forget my address on a regular basis, and I even forgot how to sign my name the other day...MY FIRST NAME. Ya know, the one I've had my whole life. It's really strange when you begin forgetting things you know you know.

Did I mention I'm only 23? Not 63. Though you wouldn't know it by looking at my medical history.

The day to meet with my new doctor is getting so close - 2 weeks from TODAY! I have been waiting for this appointment since December. It's hard to believe it's actually here. I have never waited this long for a doctor before, and I've been to a lot of great doctors...I often get put on a cancelation list and get in months before the day I originally set the appointment for, but this doctor rarely accepts new patients and HE has to pick YOU, so I'm guessing with all of the hoops to jump through not many cancel. We're hoping that means he will be able to help.

Switching gears a little...

The past month has been very dark for me.

In all honesty, the last 4 months have been very dark, but this month has definitely pushed me closer to the edge than I would prefer. I'm not even sure if my comfort zone exists anymore! I often feel like I'm drowning, so I feel like this image is beautifully appropriate. I added a lot of images to this post because I tend to be pretty visual as an artist.

I've always said I wanted this blog to be an honest expression of my heart, so I'm going to be raw here. This month has been almost unbearable. I have never wanted to give up and quit everything more in my entire life. I'm not saying I needed to be locked in a padded room or anything (though at times it might have helped), but I was broken. I still feel pretty broken, to be honest. I'm not sure what it is about now because I've held up against the last 3 years, but I suppose everyone has that breaking point. Perhaps I have reached mine.

People often tell me how wonderful/amazing/etc. it is that I have such a positive outlook on my situation because I say things like "I know there's a purpose in this. I know God has a plan in all of this and that it will work out" and I truly believe it, but I don't want there to be any misconceptions...this is not easy. It is not easy to believe those truths!
It is a daily struggle, and sometimes I LOSE.

It may be a little dramatic, but the beginning of April (the second week-ish) was probably some of the darkest times of my life. I knew The Lord was pulling me close, but I just felt myself slipping deeper into my depression. At some point I finally had to just sit up and say, "OKAY! I GET IT! THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO CLING TO BUT YOU!" Do you ever get the feeling that everything goes wrong just so you'll have nowhere else to turn? Not to say God is/was out to get me, or whatever conspiracy people come up with, but it just seemed like everything had fallen apart in the most perfect way. Perhaps it had?

There's a devotional Randy and I both love called
"Streams In The Desert" by L.B. Cowman with pieces from other authors, and it is typically great at saying exactly what my heart needs. I also love "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young, which is written from the perspective of Jesus.

During my darkest days when my heart was hurting the most, both of these devotionals had at least 3 days where they discussed great trials, opposition, tests, and how God uses them to refine and mold us, or darkness that He uses to still us and speak Truth to us. It was remarkable how each one fit my life so well. Not only did they apply to me in topic, but many of them discussed an illness that prevents you from completing things, and some even discussed literal sight problems. It was almost overwhelming how perfect and comforting they were. It was like He was explaining why things were happening. One day both devotionals even discussed the same verse and that just blew me away. The message was so clear. Whoa. I would definitely recommend both of them. I believe both of them have apps (I know Streams.. does) and you can read it straight from your phone if that's your thing.

Here are some great quotes that really stuck for me:

"George Matheson, the well-known blind preacher of Scotland, once said, "My dear God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked you a thousand times for my roses but not once for my thorns. I have always looked forward to the place where I will be rewarded for my cross, but I have never thought of my cross as a present glory itself. Teach me, O Lord, to glory in my cross. Teach me the value of my thorns. Show me how I have climbed to You through the path of pain. Show me it is through my tears I have seen my rainbows." -Streams In The Desert

"When God desires to create more power in your life, He creates more friction. He uses this pressure to generate spiritual power. Some people cannot handle it, and run from the pressure instead of receiving the power and using it to rise above the painful experience that produced it. Opposition is essential to maintaining true balance between forces." Streams In The Desert

"O tested soul, perhaps the Lord is sending you through this trial to develop your gifts. You have some gifts that would never have been discovered if not for trials. Do you not know that your faith never appears as great in the warm summer weather as it does during a cold winter? Your love is all too often like a firefly, showing very little light except when surrounded by darkness. And hope is like the stars - unseen in the sunshine of prosperity and only discovered during a night of adversity. Afflictions are often the dark settings God uses to mount the jewels of His children's gifts, causing them to shine even brighter." - Charles H. Spurgeon - Streams In The Desert

"Being left alone by Satan is not evidence of being blessed" - Streams In The Desert

"When your mind goes into neutral and your thoughts flow freely, you tend to feel anxious and alone. Your focus becomes problem solving. To get your mind back into gear, just turn toward Me, bringing yourself and your problems into My Presence." - Jesus Calling

"Nothing is random in My kingdom. Everything that happens fits into a pattern for good, to those who love Me...Having sacrificed My very Life for you, I can be trusted in every facet of your life." - Jesus Calling

Crazy good stuff.

So things aren't magically better, but I'm in a better place than I was 2 weeks ago, so I'm going to say that's a win. I'm still pushing on to finish school, but it looks like I'm going to be graduating in August instead of May. That has been part of the darkness this month. I was really looking forward to graduating and putting school behind me and it has been absolutely painful to put it off even longer. I just keep reminding myself that His plans are different than mine and are always better. If you had asked me what my plans were in 2010, I would have told you I was flying through my degree (and I was!). Then, I was going to graduate with both my undergraduate and graduate degree in a little less than 4 years of school, and I was planning on possibly moving to S. Korea to teach English with all expenses paid, or something else crazy and exotic. God changed those plans to falling in love and planting roots here with my husband...which really worked out considering I got very sick almost immediately after we got married and needed stability. I also needed my amazing husband to pull me through it all...perhaps even drag me through some of it!

Even still, it was a little devastating to move the date yet again.

It stings, but I'm already being shown it was the right decision.
Perhaps it will work out even better than I imagined! Most likely :)

There is definitely a purpose, and I know I'm not alone.
I know this night will eventually end and the sun will rise.