Awesome God
I've had quite a bit on my mind lately. While it may not always seem like it, I've been trying to stay intentional with my blog posts so that I'm not just rambling on about nonsense. I try to have a clear purpose for each post and I like to have an idea of what I'm going to talk about. Lately, my medication (I think the T-max is mostly to blame) has made this part particularly difficult. Sorting through thoughts is an incredibly difficult process. Sometimes I just feel stupid. Not a good feeling.
This post is going to be about children. It's not going to be a silly post like last time, and there aren't going to be any games. I'm going to be super serious. This is a post from the depths of my heart and soul.
I am often overly dramatic, but I am being very serious here. I am extremely passionate about the things I am about to write.
I've had quite a bit of "baby brain" lately since it seems many people I know are having babies! Until this week, no one in my age group had really hit that milestone, but one of my friends JUST announced she is pregnant so it has begun!!! I'm so thrilled for her! (YAY, MOLLY & JOEY!!!) I seriously doubt I will be next, in case anyone is wondering. I was serious when I said we are wanting to wait a few years. It has been on my mind since last fall more than it has my entire life, though...here's why:
I never really worried about having children until I got a blood clot this past fall. That was when my life started turning around. They started throwing around terms like "protein S deficient" and it didn't really mean much of anything to me. So I texted my soon-to-be sister-in-law, who is a labor and delivery nurse, and her reply shook my world. She said that people with that deficiency have frequent miscarriages as well as other birth complications. I remember sitting there, waiting to get my blood drawn again, almost hyperventilating with tears in my eyes. I read the text message at least 30 times. I immediately asked my doctor what that meant when I got back in the room and her eyes were kind of confused like, "how did you find that out?" She said almost any blood disorder put pregnancies at high risk. As of right now, it doesn't look like I have the deficiency, but I've never found out if I have it with 100% certainty. Some days I test positive for it and some days I don't. Right now, they take a "watch for blood clots" approach with me instead of keeping me on blood thinners. I prefer it that way. When I get a new hematologist (mine moved away :( ) we'll go from there. I've already been told I have to be on blood thinners throughout pregnancy, though...
Now, there's the whole epilepsy thing thrown in the mix. Topamax cannot be taken throughout pregnancy, so I'll eventually have to switch, and I'm just a little worried about that. There's just a lot of risk with epilepsy in general. It's terrifying. I know people do it, but I haven't. It's just hard for me to imagine. I was already going to be "high risk" with a previous clot...now I get to be extra special!
I remember when I first found out about the blood clot issues and pregnancy stuff, I was FREAKING out for at least 2 weeks. I mean, I cried for days. I was talking to a friend of mine one night and she said something amazing to me. She prayed for me and asked God to remind me that "He opens the womb and closes the womb, and is sovereign over the womb." Before 2 minutes ago, I forgot that she had prayed that prayer over me. I kept remembering that she had told me, not prayed for me, and what's absolutely amazing about that is every time I have ever had doubts or fears about pregnancy since then, I have heard those words in the back of my mind. Wow.
There is also a reason for everything.
I once read a story written by a singer, Jimmy Needham. He and his wife, Kelly, had tried and tried to have a baby, but they kept miscarrying over and over again. I remember reading this heart-wrenching story a few years ago with tears streaming down my face as he talks about the shame they felt and the anger and confusion. They couldn't understand why God wouldn't just let the babies live! Why was God taking the lives of these precious babies?! They had stopped telling people when they were pregnant. They were no longer joyful when they first heard they were pregnant...it became a waiting game to see if it could last, but it never did. He talks about being in his studio listening to "For The Good" by Shane and Shane, pounding his fists on the ground asking, "WHY?" They finally sought help, and it turned out that Kelly had a condition where, if the baby had ever made it all the way to full term, it would have killed both Kelly and the baby. She just needed a simple surgery and it was fixed! This past week, Kelly gave birth to their second daughter. How amazing is our God? He knew what was best for them. He could have easily given them what they wanted, a full pregnancy, but it also would have brought 2 deaths instead of one. Even though they lost a total of 3 babies, they now have 2 beautiful girls, and are a family of 5. God is good.
*fun fact: they named their first baby Lively. I think that's adorably appropriate and beautiful.*
I'm sure I'm not the only one with health problems worried about the future. Any time I get too bogged down in it I just try to focus on the fact that God is totally in control. I saw something the other day that stuck with me, and made me think about the way that I viewed my life and chances of pregnancy. They said they had a teacher tell them once, "don't grieve over something you haven't lost yet." I realized that is exactly what I have been doing. If He wants Randy and I to have a child, we will. Plain and simple. If He is in a particularly giving mood, that child will be an adorable ginger baby, but beggars can't be choosers! It is so hard to trust Him, but that is what I will do!
This post is going to be about children. It's not going to be a silly post like last time, and there aren't going to be any games. I'm going to be super serious. This is a post from the depths of my heart and soul.
I am often overly dramatic, but I am being very serious here. I am extremely passionate about the things I am about to write.
I've had quite a bit of "baby brain" lately since it seems many people I know are having babies! Until this week, no one in my age group had really hit that milestone, but one of my friends JUST announced she is pregnant so it has begun!!! I'm so thrilled for her! (YAY, MOLLY & JOEY!!!) I seriously doubt I will be next, in case anyone is wondering. I was serious when I said we are wanting to wait a few years. It has been on my mind since last fall more than it has my entire life, though...here's why:
I never really worried about having children until I got a blood clot this past fall. That was when my life started turning around. They started throwing around terms like "protein S deficient" and it didn't really mean much of anything to me. So I texted my soon-to-be sister-in-law, who is a labor and delivery nurse, and her reply shook my world. She said that people with that deficiency have frequent miscarriages as well as other birth complications. I remember sitting there, waiting to get my blood drawn again, almost hyperventilating with tears in my eyes. I read the text message at least 30 times. I immediately asked my doctor what that meant when I got back in the room and her eyes were kind of confused like, "how did you find that out?" She said almost any blood disorder put pregnancies at high risk. As of right now, it doesn't look like I have the deficiency, but I've never found out if I have it with 100% certainty. Some days I test positive for it and some days I don't. Right now, they take a "watch for blood clots" approach with me instead of keeping me on blood thinners. I prefer it that way. When I get a new hematologist (mine moved away :( ) we'll go from there. I've already been told I have to be on blood thinners throughout pregnancy, though...
Now, there's the whole epilepsy thing thrown in the mix. Topamax cannot be taken throughout pregnancy, so I'll eventually have to switch, and I'm just a little worried about that. There's just a lot of risk with epilepsy in general. It's terrifying. I know people do it, but I haven't. It's just hard for me to imagine. I was already going to be "high risk" with a previous clot...now I get to be extra special!
I remember when I first found out about the blood clot issues and pregnancy stuff, I was FREAKING out for at least 2 weeks. I mean, I cried for days. I was talking to a friend of mine one night and she said something amazing to me. She prayed for me and asked God to remind me that "He opens the womb and closes the womb, and is sovereign over the womb." Before 2 minutes ago, I forgot that she had prayed that prayer over me. I kept remembering that she had told me, not prayed for me, and what's absolutely amazing about that is every time I have ever had doubts or fears about pregnancy since then, I have heard those words in the back of my mind. Wow.
There is also a reason for everything.
I once read a story written by a singer, Jimmy Needham. He and his wife, Kelly, had tried and tried to have a baby, but they kept miscarrying over and over again. I remember reading this heart-wrenching story a few years ago with tears streaming down my face as he talks about the shame they felt and the anger and confusion. They couldn't understand why God wouldn't just let the babies live! Why was God taking the lives of these precious babies?! They had stopped telling people when they were pregnant. They were no longer joyful when they first heard they were pregnant...it became a waiting game to see if it could last, but it never did. He talks about being in his studio listening to "For The Good" by Shane and Shane, pounding his fists on the ground asking, "WHY?" They finally sought help, and it turned out that Kelly had a condition where, if the baby had ever made it all the way to full term, it would have killed both Kelly and the baby. She just needed a simple surgery and it was fixed! This past week, Kelly gave birth to their second daughter. How amazing is our God? He knew what was best for them. He could have easily given them what they wanted, a full pregnancy, but it also would have brought 2 deaths instead of one. Even though they lost a total of 3 babies, they now have 2 beautiful girls, and are a family of 5. God is good.
*fun fact: they named their first baby Lively. I think that's adorably appropriate and beautiful.*
I'm sure I'm not the only one with health problems worried about the future. Any time I get too bogged down in it I just try to focus on the fact that God is totally in control. I saw something the other day that stuck with me, and made me think about the way that I viewed my life and chances of pregnancy. They said they had a teacher tell them once, "don't grieve over something you haven't lost yet." I realized that is exactly what I have been doing. If He wants Randy and I to have a child, we will. Plain and simple. If He is in a particularly giving mood, that child will be an adorable ginger baby, but beggars can't be choosers! It is so hard to trust Him, but that is what I will do!
We serve an awesome God.
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