Broken

That is how I feel right now.

Broken.

So where to begin?

First off, so sorry it has been forever since my last post. I've actually written 7 drafts in the last few months, but I never finish them or post them. Things have been absolutely insane around here lately and I have been so busy that I want to go back in time and tell the me from this past year she doesn't know the first thing about being busy.

Long story short, I got a job! Well, I guess it's not exactly a long story...I found out about the job and got the job within a 6 day period. Not too shabby!
I feel like I'm back where I was in 2009, 2010, and half of 2011. I was working a 30 hour job, taking 12-18 hours a semester and sleeping about 3 hours a night. Fortunately, I'm sleeping around 6-8 hours these days - PRAISE THE LORD! - but I have a TON of homework and I usually don't get home from work until 6:30. Couple that with trying to go to bed before 11 and I have zero time for a life.
I wanted to get a job to help Randy with expenses and to have a bit of spending money for things like my yoga classes and a mild shoe addiction. He is an amazing provider, but I didn't want him to have to do it alone. The Lord provided in an amazing way! As He typically does :)


So why do I feel broken in the midst of so many blessings?

My health has been doing so great. I mean, it was like the past few years of horrible illness were finally moving behind us. Things were starting to be normal...or as normal as they can be for us.
Until Friday, September 27th.

I went to work really excited that day! We have casual Fridays and we are allowed to wear whatever we want as long as it's appropriate! It was my first one and I was thrilled to go to work in jeans, a t-shirt, and sneakers. We were even having a wedding shower that day for a coworker, so there was going to be free food and lots of fun!

Around 11am, I was about to leave work to go pick up a cake from down the street when I realized the vision in my right eye was blurry and kind of dark. I was a little worried about driving, but I decided I could see well enough to go anyway. This is especially strange for me because I have almost 20/20 vision - always have. I get to the store and I'm picking up several things and my head began to hurt on top of the vision loss. It sort of felt like my migraines when they begin, but a little different. I decided to take one of my migraine pills anyway, which normally work in about 2-5 minutes. No dice. About 25 more minutes go by and I'm burning up, I'm disoriented, my head is killing me, and I'm just trying to survive long enough to make it the 2 miles back to work. I get back to work and my head has gone from painful to feeling like I needed to slam my head against a wall because the pain from that would be much better than what was really happening. I stumble inside, pass off the cake, and run back to my cubicle to take more medicine and pray that I can make it through the rest of the day. It was 1pm. At this point, I'm nauseated, incredibly sensitive to light and sound (3 things I don't typically experience with my migraines), and my head is hurting so badly I can't even touch it. Also, I could barely see and I was going back and forth from trying to stay strong and uncontrollably crying my eyes out from pain. Hands down, worst migraine of my life. It actually felt like I was going to die. I couldn't imagine that much pain with any other ending. I couldn't imagine anything, actually.

Finally, I had to call Randy to leave work and come get me across town because there was no way I could drive. I was hysterical. I'm pretty confident I would have gotten into a wreck. Honestly, I didn't care, but I would have been devastated if anything happened to anyone else.

So I get home and I crawl into bed and begin crying uncontrollably. I finally resolved to take some vicoprofen (it's like vicodin, but it's made with ibuprofen instead of tylenol) and finally experienced a teensy bit of relief. A few hours later and the pain was back, but more medicine knocked it back out.

That was my life for 8 days.
Yep. You read correctly. I had this migraine for 8 days.
Nothing even came close to touching it except vicoprofen.
You can imagine how productive life is in this state.

I have been to an optometrist, who confirmed the sight in the lower right side of my right eye had mysteriously stopped working, but the nerves in my eye looked great along with everything else. His exact words were, "from the look of it, you should have almost 20/20 vision. I have no idea why that one part just stopped working." So then I went to my neurologist at his suggestion, who said everything looked fine on her end. She even had me do an MRI that came back normal. Next step? I have to go see a neuro ophthalmologist this Thursday and follow up with my neurologist on Friday.

It's 2 weeks later and my vision is still blurry, and although I'm not having the constant migraines every day, I have the same thing most days. The vision loss isn't too bad except it's interfering with my ability to finish school work. We're really hoping we can get it solved quickly!

This past Thursday I had a slight meltdown about it all while sitting in my car about to go to class. I just couldn't wrap my mind around it anymore. I didn't feel like I was strong enough to even stand up.









I found strength eventually and I'm glad I did. I saw one of the most gorgeous sunsets I've ever seen that night. The next night had a gorgeous sunset as well.

I think the Lord knew I needed them.
On my way home from work on Friday I was filled with a strange peace that I know came from Him.

These two have been incredible through all of this. Not only this new bit, but everything from the last few years. There's no telling where I'd be if I didn't have my sweet husband telling me I can make it through anything. I don't know what I'd do without him there to hold me and promise me that everything will work out how it's supposed to. I don't know what I'd do without him helping me remember everything will be okay.

And Pepper? Well, she just licks me until I laugh and sneezes on my face.
And I love it. She's such a good puppy-child.

Although I could do with a little less snot...

I saw this and felt like it was what I needed to see today.

Maybe it will help you, too?

I'm so ready for a new season!

Thanks for stopping by!

I'm hoping to have a few new blogs up ASAP!

Be on the lookout!